Unless you’ve been shipwrecked on a wifi-less island or live in cave five miles underground, you’ve heard about Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino. It’s a pink, blue, and purple smoothy with whipped cream and sparkly sprinkles on top. It contains whole milk (gasp!), sugar (double gasp!), and food coloring (oh, the horror!). It also contains a sinful lack of kale, coconut oil, and human placenta.
On Friday, a reckless Katy mom was slurping down a Starbucks Unicorn drink even though she knows they’re not healthy. Indeed, the sugar-laden composition of the drink has been bemoaned by BuzzFeed, The Washington Post, and a suspiciously hyper barista who is probably going to get fired. Nevertheless, Maria Espinoza of Katy, Texas, says she finds all the derogatory articles and memes to be condescending and idiotic.
“Of course it’s not healthy,” Maria says. “It’s pink and blue, tastes like five different kinds of candy, and looks like someone dumped pixie sticks all over it. Who on God’s green earth would mistake this for health food? If you think this looks healthy, you deserve to get fat.”
Dietician and weight-loss specialist, Mark Marcuson did not disagree.
“We live in a cruel and fallen world where sugar and fat make you pudgy,” says Mark. “You’ve got to make a choice to either be comfortable with your curves or deprive yourself of decadent things that make you happy. If you believe otherwise you’re living in a fantasy world. Maybe it’s Unicorn Land. Of course, having a treat once in a while is just fine, particularly if you counter it with extra exercise. It’s when you indulge on a regular basis and neglect working out that you’re going to encounter issues.”
The notorious Food Babe recently posted an exposé on her blog claiming that Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino is laced with carcinogens, trans fats, and GMOs.
“It’s kind of stupid, you know,” Maria says. “I mean, writing an article about this not being healthy is almost as goofy as Barry Manilow announcing he’s gay. Dude, we know you’re gay, now go get you a Unicorn Frap! Seriously though, I’m not drinking this because I’m trying to stay hydrated and get more calcium in my diet. I’m drinking it for the sugar and the fat. It’s a dessert. That’s the whole point.”
BuzzFeed moans that a standard 16 oz. Grande Unicorn Frappuccino is made with whole milk, whipped cream, and boasts 410 calories. That’s roughly equivalent to a Wendy’s Grilled Chicken Sandwich, hold the fries and the coke.
“Of course it’s got lots of calories in it,” retorts Maria. “I love calories. Obviously, if you want to look like Ally McBeal you shouldn’t drink it every day. But GMOs? Bring it on. We’re all gonna die someday, and unlike most of these health nuts and crunchy mommas, I’ll die happy without ever having suffered through a kale smoothy.”
While The Pink Armadillo does not officially endorse the Starbucks Unicorn Frappaccino (Starbucks, if you’re reading this, we are open to partnering up), we do admire its beautiful color scheme of pink, purple, and blue. We are also firm believers in dessert in moderation and happiness in excess.
This article is satire. Sort of.