PSA: Avocado Cupcakes Are An Abomination And You Know It

There’s a recipe for avocado cupcakes floating around on social media and it absolutely must be stopped. Some may call this “fake news” but for any legit Texan this is a serious issue. According to Snopes, the word avocado is derived from the Atzec word for a man’s unmentionables, which should be indicative of how closely we Texans guard this low hanging fruit. There is now a movement to ban avocado cupcakes, and it’s gaining momentum quickly.

The controversial recipe seems to have originated in California. These are the same folks who brought us broccoli pizza and the Kardashians. Why anyone would trust their judgment now is beyond me. Among other ingredients, these sacrilegious little green morsels contain lowfat buttermilk, butter, sifted cake flour, sugar, and eggs. What the point of lowfat buttermilk is with all those other fats and carbs is beyond me. I mean if you’re going to indulge in a homemade dessert go big or go home. But I digress.

The worst part though? They recommend topping your avocado cupcakes with key-lime frosting. Lord have mercy!

If any recipe ever heralded the End Times, avocado cupcakes is it. Contrary to legend, the fruit Eve ate in The Garden of Eden was not an apple, it was an avocado. There’s no way on God’s green earth she’d have risked death and damnation over something as trivial as a Macintosh. That being said, the avocado in-and-of-itself wasn’t her sin. No. The sin was disobeying God. Avocados also decked the Tree of Life. Common knowledge. #ReadYourBible y’all.

Texan-approved dishes that involve avocados are as follows:

Guacamole & Chips: The quintessential application and wisest investment of your guac. Just made sure you use legit tortilla chips. Fritos are also acceptable seeing as they’re from San Antonio, but only in a pinch.

Guac Hamburger: Slather it on thick. Ideally, top it with bacon. It’s great as a cheese substitute or in addition to a nice sharp cheddar.

Fajitas: Duh.

Tacos: Duh.

Pretty Much Anything Tex-Mex: Duh

Grilled Cheese: You’ve heard of dipping your grilled cheese sammich in tomato soup? Forget the soup and smash up an avocado.

Scrambled Eggs: Avocados are a great part of any healthy breakfast. Top your scrambled eggs with cubed avocado, cheddar cheese, and salsa.

Avocado Toast: If scrambled eggs aren’t your thing, smear it on toast. It will make even the driest, crustiest, most cardboadiest health bread taste wunderbar! And if you’re wondering why a Texan just used a German word, you need to hit your history books.

Rotisserie Chicken: Put an avocado twist on this quick-and-easy family favorite. Whether you dip it or scoop it onto a fork, it’s gooood.

Salmon: Yes. And pretty much any other fish. Dice up that avocado and serve it like a garnish. (FYI, if you really like avocado, “garnish: is another word for “side dish.”)

Steak: Do it.

French Bread / Any Other Bread: Smear it on as a substitute for butter. You’ll thank me later.

Homemade Salsa: If you’re planning to eat it soon, blend an avocado in. It looks prettier in green salsa though. Just sayin’.

Green Salad: Chunk it up and toss it in. This is one of those rare occasions when it is socially acceptable to eat avocado alongside diced apples, strawberries, or blackberries. Don’t put it in a fruit salad though. Technically avocados are a fruit just like tomatoes, but deep down, we all know that’s a lie science made up.

Tortilla Soup: Don’t cook it with your soup. Dice it up and use it as a divine topping.

Chili: See above.

Sushi: OK, here’s something the Californians got right. Sushi rolls with avocado are the bees knees.

Wontons: Dip them in guacamole. Why would you not? Worse case, if it tastes weird, eat them separate.

Stuffed Avocado: Mother Nature’s crown jewels are naturally healthy. Fried? Not so much. Still crazy delish though. Pretty sure God eats these in Heaven, and in Heaven they’re fat free.

Tuna Salad: Mmmm-hmmmm! Dice, dice, baby!

Chicken Salad: Ditto above.

There are, I am sure, other completely appropriate uses for these delectable pear-shaped treasures. Beware though. If anyone recommends you add avocado to pancakes, brownies, frosting, muffins, your child’s birthday cake, or egg salad, they are not a true friend. For that matter, if they recommend egg salad at all, they’re probably not a friend. That’s a whole nuther issue though.

This article is satirical. Sort of.

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