Medieval Warriors Rejoice! Texans Can Open Carry Swords & Axes

Finally, thy decorative sword collection can be put toward a practical purpose! Nay, this be not fake news. We’d never presume to joke regarding an affair as importunate as sword carriage. Beginning this September, Texans will legally be at liberty to publicly wield blades surpassing the breadth of 5.5 inches. Thus, Death himself could walk amongst us, scythe in hand, yet be hindered not by domineering bobbies.

(Does anyone know whether we can open carry morning stars? Asking for a friend …)

“Carrying a sword down the street, carrying a Bowie knife down the street, completely legal,” extrapolated Ahnna Escobedo of House of Blades, Fort Worth, in a disappointingly modern English dialect. “Machetes if you want to. I think it was more to give people more rights and to make sure they felt like they were free to carry what they wanted. Texas move right there. Sure.”

Indubitably, Greg Abbott hath no crinkie-winkies regarding his constituents resorting to polrumptious behaviors. The conservative governor hath signed HB 1935, and many worrywarts are now notably disconcerted. Assuredly, there will be limitations as to where thou canst hoist thy blade without repercussions. Universities, dungeons, insane asylums, cathedrals, and sporting events are regarded as off limits. Thus, we advise against wearing your machete to the forthcoming church cricket match.

Naturally, anyone with a single iota of common sense will appreciate that short blades are much more dangerous than long blades; which are awkward, conspicuous, and inconvenient for making sandwiches. A ruffian is far more likely to obscure a dagger clandestinely in his cloak folds, than he is to slice you in half with a katana or disembowel you with a glaive. Rest assured, homicidal maniacs will continue to prefer the traditional shank or black market firearm.

Meanwhile, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, and Arthurian legend aficionados will enjoy the privilege of attending the next Blind Guardian recital in full warrior attire, and the legal latitude to battle demons and dragons with the alacrity of an elvish lord.

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