Woman Drinks Pumpkin Spice Latte, Has Vision of Apocalypse

One Tomball woman is claiming that she has received a vision of the Apocalypse. Stephanie Johnson is a stay-at-home-mom of three and successful essential oils consultant. Her prophetic experience occurred on the patio of He-Brews Coffee, where Johnson admits she consumed three pumpkin spice latte beverages.

“It is definitely happening on September 23,” claims Stephanie, “but it’s not at all what people think. It wasn’t a big scary end-of-the-world thing. It was actually really beautiful. There were angels singing, the trees all had leaves of gold, birds were fluttering around, and Jesus looked like Stephen Amell with long hair.”
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When a barista from He-Brews Coffee found Stephanie unresponsive at her table, he alerted a manager, who in turn dialed 9-1-1. Despite Stephanie reviving by the time an ambulance arrived, she was taken to an area hospital for observation.

“We took a sample of the pumpkin spice latte,” said Constable Rick Morgan. “Our lab of analysts concluded that the lattes at He-Brews Coffee contain copious amounts of nutmeg, which as you know, if consumed in large enough quantities, is an hallucinogenic similar in effect to LSD.”

Stephanie, however, is adamant that her experience was not an hallucination, but a vision given to her by a higher power. While some believers are busy setting their affairs in order, other Christians have been quick to put a stop to the rumors that Stephanie is a legitimate prophetess.

“Our pastor recently preached through Revelation,” noted Richard Harrington of Cornerstone Presbyterian Church in Cypress. “It’s pretty clear that no man knows the hour or the day, and even Jesus didn’t know the date of his own return when he was here on earth. If his own Son didn’t know, there’s no way God would reveal the date of the Apocalypse to some random five-dollar-a-cup coffee drinker who wears boots and a scarf in 95 degree Texas heat, just because the calendar says it’s autumn. Everything he wants us to know is right here in his revealed Word.”

Myristicin is the naturally occurring compound in nutmeg responsible for the spice’s mind-altering effects. Physicians and law enforcement officers concur that the prevalence of myristicin found in Stephanie’s system make the likelihood that she hallucinated very high.

“If Miss Johnson wishes to continue her pumpkin spice latte fix,” suggested Constable Morgan, “I recommend she stick with a coffee house such as Cafe Marrese. It’s a nice little place just off Spring Cypress and 249. They’ve got pumpkin spice latte drinks with nutmeg, but not at hallucinogenic concentrations. Also, their food is really good.”

The owner of He-Brews Coffee, Bart Woodward, has denied allegations that his pumpkin spice latte beverages contain prophecy-inducing levels of nutmeg.

“Everything in moderation,” Woodward stated. “I’m just a struggling entrepreneur who loves to make coffee. I don’t know nothing about any theologies or medical what-not. Maybe she’s lying. Maybe she’s telling the truth. Maybe she shouldn’t drink three lattes in one sitting. The sugar alone could make you see things. Just a thought.”

While a new sign on the front door of He-Brews Coffee limits customers to one pumpkin spice latte per hour, the managers at Cafe Marrese have announced no such restriction.

This article is satire … sort of. None of the people named exist. Yes, nutmeg really is a hallucinogenic if you eat enough of it. He-Brews Coffee is not real, but it should be. Cornerstone Presbyterian is a real church and Pastor Arendale did preach through Revelation. Cafe Marrese is also real, and they make amazing pumpkin spice lattes, flavorful coffee, and delicious food.

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